I grew up hearing that “the most important thing in life is to help those around you”. It was everywhere – those words chased and haunted me throughout my childhood. I’d always wondered if I fell into that category. Someone worth being helped. A priority on my to-do list: if the entirety of my energy should always go towards ensuring the joy of my community, if I was villainous for putting my needs first once in a while. I couldn’t stand the idea of being seen as a bad person, so I just went along with this thing that authority figures in my life would repeat so often, and resort to being angry at myself anytime my actions misaligned with the saying.
Now, however, when I hear those words I recognize how detrimental it was in my understanding of right and wrong, of reality, of self-care. My interaction with this so-called “reality” severely harmed my mental health for most of my life.
The belief that the sole meaning of life is to give to those around you and to regard other people’s feelings above all else is highly destructive. Whilst giving back is fundamental, there needs to be a balance between how much of our lives we give to others and how much of it we give to ourselves and our happiness. I struggle to understand why prioritizing one’s own happiness is seen as selfish, rather than focusing on the happiness of those around us. It’s exhausting how often we’re told to put others’ joy ahead of our own, and how we’re expected to sacrifice what makes us happy just to meet others’ expectations and standards.
During mentoring, we reflected on how relationships functioned like banks. There are withdrawals — when you take — and deposits — when you give. It’d be easy to think that withdrawals are damaging and that true comradery as well as being a good person could only be achieved through deposits — to give. Yet, I came to the conclusion that the only way to deposit anything in someone else’s bank is if one has enough money in their own bank.
If I don’t have money myself, how can I possibly give money to those around me? If I haven’t found happiness myself, how can I possibly spread happiness to the people next to me? If I’m not fulfilled myself, how can I genuinely contribute to the fulfillment of others?
At Graded, we are often encouraged to pay attention to the feelings of those around us, ensuring they experience a sense of belonging. However, in doing so, we frequently overlook the importance of reflecting on our own feelings and whether we, too, feel a sense of belonging. Many Graded students feel a significant pressure to prioritize the well-being of others before considering their own: “I think the school places a lot of importance on teaching us how to make other people feel happy. Which, yes, is important, but because of that, I don’t know how to improve my own happiness.” It’s as if we’re so afraid of being selfish that we neglect to teach and learn strategies for self-care. As a result, when the time comes to focus on ourselves, we often don’t know where to begin. Others share similar sentiments: “I can feel really drained because it seems like there’s a constant need to help those around me. It’s exhausting to always try to make everyone else happy.”
When we constantly give what we don’t have, it’s hard not to feel drained, like an empty shell of a person. We could instead feel fulfilled by prioritizing our own needs. And when our lives revolve entirely around helping others, it becomes difficult to even recognize what our own needs are. Putting ourselves first is incredibly hard, especially when we’ve been taught that self-care is selfish.
Self-nourishment is vital. By taking the time to care for what you need, you’ll subsequently help those around you. It’s about taking the time to refuel yourself so that when you’re done becoming the version of yourself that you want to be, you can take some of that fuel to help others do the same. Neglecting yourself will never be the answer to strengthening your relationships, even if you think you are doing the right thing.
I wish I had understood the importance of prioritizing my needs when I was younger. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt paralyzed by guilt every time I focused on myself. Prioritizing our own needs is essential for finding fulfillment in life, and it should be everyone’s priority. Understanding this earlier would have alleviated the heavy burden I carried in previous years: instead of viewing self-care as a luxury, I could have recognized it as a crucial practice that enables us to appreciate ourselves on a much deeper level. Ultimately, it comes down to believing that our desires are valid and that our own needs are paramount. We all deserve the opportunity to thrive, and by shifting the narrative around self-care and viewing it as a necessity, we pave the way for a more fulfilling future for ourselves and for everyone.
