Let’s Do Our Part: Easy Steps to Destroy the Environment!

January is long gone by now, but it’s never too late to create a New Year’s resolution. We always have time for a fresh start and can really change our horrible habits to benefit everyone! Especially since our planet is already getting hotter, why not feed the fire? Think about it, once the globe finishes warming, we are all going to have gorgeous tans, longer summers, and my personal favorite: rising sea levels! Who doesn’t love the idea of getting a larger ocean to swim in? I mean, we probably won’t be doing a lot of that since the ocean will be full of plastic bags and human sewage. It’s so much better to lie on the trash-covered sand, sipping from my radioactive coconut, as the thin ozone layer allows my flesh to burn. I just love summer! If you are just as passionate as I am to destroy the planet and everything in it, make sure to follow these simple steps:

• Order up: Gourmet Cow Carcass

There is nothing more delicious than the taste of torture, water wastage, greenhouse gas emissions, and let’s not forget: murder! Why would someone ever want to give up bacon just so that pigs don’t have to be viciously tortured and killed? In the words of the iconic meme: “BACON IS GOOD FOR ME!”. People who do not eat animal products are too malnourished to make any good decisions anyway. Why should they get to decide what happens to our farm animals? Why do they get to decide whether or not we have farms? Do you really want to see more untouched tropical rainforests rather than a field of tree stumps, smokey skies, while the cow grazes on dead grass? Bob Ross would love to paint that! All I am saying is that we might as well cut down all those trees anyway since their sole purpose is to make more room for monkeys in forests. Have you seen Planet of the Apes? We do not want that happening, do we? Plus, we get delicious animal carcass in the process. It’s a win-win for all of us… well, at least for people!

• Life in Plastic, it’s Fantastic!

I heard that by 2050 there will be more plastic in the oceans than fish. Thank God! Why would we want those pesky little critters around? I just have to thank all of you who use single-use plastic: thank you so much for buying and throwing away so much plastic that it will all take hundreds of years to decompose. 300 million tonnes of plastic are produced each year and less than 10% is recycled. This makes me so happy! There will eventually be so much plastic floating on the surface of the water that we’d probably be able to walk on the water. We’ll kill all the annoying organisms and literally do the impossible. We would probably be able to even build on the plastic-covered ocean as if it was land. More room for all of us as the human population keeps growing! Do not even get me started on the plastic found on land, too. Who needs ski trips when we can just slide down mountains of trash that will swarm cities? All the snow and ice would be gone anyway — thank you global warming!

• Buy Cheap, Ruin Lives for Free!

Another great way to destroy the planet is to ruin people’s lives as well. I am a great supporter of fast fashion: stores like H&M, Forever 21, Zara, etc. The idea of Southeast Asian children working for 2 cents an hour until their fingers bleed warms my heart! On the upside, the amount of pollution produced from these clothes only quickens my goal for Earth’s destruction, since the chemicals from cheaply-made clothes seep into the ground when thrown away… fun! When it comes to vegetables (I would still recommend you only eat Cheetos–since it makes more waste–but that is up to you) make sure to buy the chemical-filled, plastic-covered, pesticide-dependant ones that are strangely large. This act literally impacts everyone and everything on this planet negatively, so make sure to do it! Do you really want to buy organic? Gross.

To be honest, this article was probably completely useless to you since I’m sure you already do all of these things anyway–good job! My heart warms at the idea of humanity coming together, especially when we are clearly all so determined to reach this goal of Mother Earth’s destruction. Have any more questions? Make sure to check the latest meme account for the most accurate information. Let’s kill the world, one step at a time! After all, the most powerful renewable resource is denial.