MICHAEL: Water

Water is the ebb and flow of natural rhythms, the undulations of emotions. Or perhaps water is simply water and that we depend on it for sustenance, and it is nothing more. If you are like me and do IB Biology, you’ve probably learned about many of water’s characteristics, such as how it’s the universal solvent, breaking down all polar substances. You probably know the difference between cohesion, when water molecules attract to other water molecules, and adhesion, when water molecules attract to non-water molecules. Biology and chemistry stuff aside, water is also notable in the social sciences, like geography and history. It has enabled numerous civilizations to travel from one place to another, to explore and discover “the new world.” But, it has also inhibited some people from reaching foreign lands and has meant death to others when it was lacking. Water leads to life. Presumably, wherever there is water, there is life. Logically then, wherever this isn’t water, there isn’t life, or in other words, there is death. Cue the introduction to Beethoven’s Fifth. Then again, try asking your science teacher about this because I might be completely off. You’re welcome.

MANNY: Pirates of the Caribbean 16: Raiders of the Lost Bermuda Triangle

The one thing that always stood out to me about the Pirates of the Caribbean movies was the fact that it was literally based on a ride in Disney world. And now the ride itself is based on the movie, so it’s a ride that’s based on a movie that was initially inspired by a ride. It’s stuck in this weird circle of things being based off each other…but I digress. Moral of the story: Do we really need another Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

Yes, we do. If it even ends up with that title, could you imagine what the movie would be like? Jack Sparrow and Indiana Jones (the sovereign of unnecessary sequels to decent trilogies) solving crimes together in downtown Detroit where one of them sees something that makes them question whether or not the job truly suits them. Or even better, the possibility of maybe seeing Jack Sparrow ride horses in the west with El Zorro. Oh, wait… that’s The Lone Ranger’s plot.

Hey, kids, what do you call the guy that manages all the money that is borrowed from the bank? The Loan Ranger. Hah. [Editor comment: cricket chirps.]

CATU: Film Piracy

Remember back when you were a kid and Blockbuster was still open, all those movies were decked neatly on shelves, rows and rows of possibilities (unless you were me, which in that case, you’d just rent Barbie and the Nutcracker every time)? This was the same era of stocky TVs and VHS tapes that your siblings never, and I mean never, rewound. Those were the days of the opening anti-piracy messages, and you could neither skip nor fast forward through them. You know, the ones with weird stop motion and metal music, exclaiming in big, distressed text “PIRATING FILMS IS STEALING.”

I vividly remember one message where the dad buys a pirated film and watches it with his family, only to have his kid come home the next day, proudly telling them he got an A on his paper by “pirating” his friend’s answers. The son then leaves the kitchen, skipping in joy, while the mother, horrified, stares at the father. To this day, we still make fun of that one. It was just so ridiculous: the extremity of the situation and not just for particular one, but for all of them. I don’t know what happened to those ads. Along with all the Blockbusters around the world, they disappeared one by one. I can’t remember the last time I saw an anti-piracy message, despite it becoming an even bigger industry than ever. Still, I’ll always cherish those frustrating minutes of having to sit through those bits. They were so absurd, they were hilarious.

THOMAS: Pirate Jokes

I was with a “buddy” of mine who was in too good a mood. The Canadian and fascism jokes were the least of it. Already in a sour mood, I listened with contempt.

“Why can’t pirates get straight A’s?” he asked.

“Why?” I said.

“They spend years in the high CCCCC’s!” he responded.

Needless to say, my demeanor remained unchanged.

YOJI: Future Pirates

It’s the year 2022 and piracy is at an all time high. Because of the 2017 Treaty between the Islamic State and Somalia’s Puntland province the two groups have joined forces in search of a common goal, finding Captain William Kidd’s lost treasure. The group, now renamed the Islamic Booty-Hunters, planned an attack of New York in order to retrieve the booty, completely unaware of the Asian Carp species that now plagued the Atlantic Ocean. Due to the worsening toxicity in the East Coast waters, the carp quickly mutated to become leviathans of the ocean. With glowing red eyes, two-meter-long fins and the ability to spit acid, this carp species ended naval trade in 2021. Unaware of this, the Islamic Booty-Hunters sailed to Long Island in the December weather in the winter of 2022 into what strategists called certain death. What happened next shocked all 391 New World countries…

And that’s all folks. For business inquiries, contact 1-800-PIE-RATE. Guillermo del Toro I know you are interested in buying this gem of a story. [Editor: Not an actual number, so please don’t waste money calling.]